Tonight's almost-full moon called for a nice bath. A gentile soak in warm waters. And so it was that I climbed my heavy body upstairs in The Retro House to disrobe in my bedroom (if you will). With the moonlight filtering in the back windows I decided to leave the lights off, making the top story dark except for a dim green night light emanating from the hallway. After undressing I set my clothes in the hamper and prepared to make the short journey from my bedroom to my bathroom. As I did so I encountered an unknown trespasser at the top of my stairs.
I screamed!
I jumped!
I hid my lady parts with my arms!
I screamed again!
I realized I was in shock!
I tried to hide my lady parts better by repositioning my arms!
I locked eyes with my trespasser!
It was my fourteen-year-old niece Lindsay!
I could see in the light of the hall that her dark eyes were horrified. Like really appalled. Like seeing the violence that is alligators feasting on water buffalo on the Planet Earth Series.
"We . . . knocked . . ." she stuttered.
"Hold on!" I screamed and ran the rest of the way to the bathroom where I managed to find a towel. Only, a towel at this point in my life doesn't cover up nearly enough (you know) so I dashed back down the hall ("Wait again!") to my XXXL terry-cloth robe.
After the adrenalin settled in my mix-o-hormones I calmly walked down the stairs to see Lindsay and Emily (the other fourteen-year-old niece) awkwardly standing in my kitchen. Lindsay was petting the tropical-colored parakeet she got for her recent birthday and Emily was holding the camera bag (the Nikon D-40, another birthday surprise Lindsay wanted to show-and-tell to me).
There was nothing to do but laugh. And laugh we did. I held the parakeet on my fingers and we laughed. I tried the shutter speed on the new camera . . . and we laughed. Then Lindsay said seeing me nude in my pregnant glory was kinda like Jim Carey's naked Grinch which made me laugh then, but now I am not so sure.
To tell the truth though, I felt bad. It was only yesterday that I was fourteen. Having been asked to serve at our neighbor's daughter's wedding party (oh the 80's!) I arrived a little early to help out. As the story goes, I needed to use the restroom and in doing so walked in on my neighbor shaving in front of a large mirror (surround-sight) as he straddled a metal stool. Yes, I saw it (all). Yes, it was the first time I had seen a grown man naked. And yes, he was our home teacher at the time.
I pretended not to see. I told no one. I prayed he didn't see who it was that barged in as he made his beard disappear. Even so, I am left with the mental scar of which I shall never-even-in-eternity forget. It my disturbing cross to bare (pun intiendo!)
So I think I did the right thing tonight by laughing. Lindsay even made some surprisingly funny jokes about the whole matter making me believe that she didn't go home and purge. Besides, my body really is beautiful. I'd write more on that subject, but how do I know you aren't some lurking pervert?
I mean really.
May 17, 2008
The Parakeet's Name is Bella
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20 comments:
That was laugh out loud funny! Good job for laughing at the situation. I'm surprised that the shock didn't put you into labor.
I walked in on a man in our ward who was sitting on the toilet. I think I was about 14 too.
But he deserved it for sitting in the bathroom with the door open for heaven's sake!!
Dang, that was funny.
court you make me laugh so hard. holy crap. i love the repositioning arms part. and the man straddling the metal stool. hahahahaha. one time my brother saw me dash from the bathroom to my dresser w/my door open (and butt naked) and we both screamed. luckily it was only a view from behind. (still embaressing!)
I was showering (in my 5th or 6th month of pregnancy) and my neices and nephews were having an easter egg hunt and low and behold my 12 year old nephew decided to look in the bathroom. I can't remember if there wasn't a door lock, or if I just neglected to use one, but either way.... I am sure THAT memory was seared into his brain for life... GREAT.
Just for the record, it was Lindsay who made the grinch comment! (This is Emily by the way.)
Sorry Em, it is now edited correctly. I should've known you not to draw such evil comparisons. Smile. Smile.
Funny! Funny! Haha.
When my grandma was visiting during my frosh year of HS, I rushed into her bedroom one morning excited to talk to her... and boom. She was there naked. Her brown body glimmering in the sun from the window. I was kinda horrified, I mean, I've never seen someone that aged/wise? naked. She laughed. I laughed, and when I see her now I sometimes laugh to myself and remember.
Re your neighbor: what man shaves naked, and on a stool??! WEIRDO. Haha.
what, no loss of bladder control
?!?!
being a naturally curious child I have far too many memories of accidental run ins with various nude family members, including my grandma, *shiver
that sounds disturbing doesn't it?
it was
just think of it as an lesson on the virtues of abstinence until you're prepared to handle the consequences!!
I once flashed my landlord (who just happened to be our 2nd counselor) at Seven Peaks (not on purpose! I'm not that kind of girl! I was in the kiddie pool and some kid squirted some water gun thingy at just the right spot on my strap and it flew down flashy all! I was so embarrassed! When I looked up, my landlord was right there. It was awful.). It would have been nice to laugh about it but instead it was just painfully awkward. We ended up moving but guess who was one of my son's counselors in middle school? Yes, my old landlord and he still wouldn't look me in the eye! Count your blessings it was your nieces!
This made me think of my own similar story. It involved a swift crouch and covering my face. That is what you call going into stealth mode. No one can see you when you go into stealth mode. Did you know?
This is my new favorite C Jane post.
Thanks for being a really, really good/entertaining writer, and for having an exciting life so I can live vicariously through it.
My 10 year old son walked in on me as I was getting out of the shower. I think I've scarred him for life.
Naked Jim Carrey Grinch? Oh...I think I just piddled in my pants!!!
A beautiful naked (green glowing) pregnant aunt vs. a hairy naked (stool-strattling) home teacher?
I would go with #1 thank you very much!
Bravo! Good post! You've got me laughing out loud, and that was on my to-do list for the day.
I'm really glad that you clarified that your home teacher was shaving his beard... because the pictures that flashed through my mind via your description... him naked..., shaving--God only knows what--while strattling a metal stool... uhhh yah... it was quite baffling?
I laughed hard... about all of it.
Had to read the naked man part over and over until I realized you meant he was shaving his FACE and not his nether regions. Now THAT would've been traumatic.
Nice title for this post. It totally goes.
You made we wet my pants I was laughing so hard (which incidentally isn't very hard after giving birth to children, which I suspect you will find out yourself in due time, which is not a reference to time or due dates or anything..nevermind.)
Good earth, I can't believe I let this one sit in my Reader for so long. I am dying.
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