There was a tense moment tonight in our living room when Lucy asked Chup,
"What would makes you mad at Courtney?"
and before he had time to answer, I responded,
"He doesn't like it when I am snotty."
(Or when I answer questions for him, but let's focus on one thing at a time . . .)
And you know what I did then? Something really regrettable for the sake of validity, I reminded him of a time when I disliked a Christmas gift he gave me. Why did I do that? The very mention of this terrible memory introduced a horrible spirit of drudged-up issues and suddenly our comfortable living room became really uncomfortable.
Chup was living that Christmas morning all over again, I could see it in his eyes. And in an attempt to clear my good name (for the 45th time) I mercilessly argued my point, I disliked that gift because _____. When that didn't work I blamed it on genetics, all the women in my blood family have a weird streak of snobbishness. Except for Page, she isn't snobby, just bravely blunt which makes her more of Clark. This other stuff we blame on our mother's side.
Lucy was there to back me up on this second point. Thank heavens.
Putting all of that aside, do we not all know the feeling of being gifted with something we don't like? We exchange, return, re-gift all the time. What makes me such a heartless wife? Does a wedding band equal a disintegration of opinion? Besides, we kept the gift and it malfunctioned three times until finally we told the store from whence it came to KEEP IT. It had cursed our home long enough. Of course, when I brought up this point the debate went dead, like it always does. Because I am right.
In the silence following my final contention, Lucy left to talk to her husband Ric on the phone. Chup and I were husband, wife and baby in the living room. I looked over at him as he held The Chief on his lap playing some goofy barnyard game on his i-phone. I too relived that dreadful Christmas morning years ago. I remember crying because I was so conflicted, should I pretend to love it? Or should I be honest and say I didn't?
Chup interrupted my thoughts with,
"Hey. I love you."
Then again,
"I love you."
And again,
"I love you."
And me in return,
"I love you too."
And I meant it in a "I'm sorry" kind of way.
This past weekend, Chup and I quietly celebrated our anniversary of being sealed in the temple. He made me a mug of Belgian dark hot chocolate, him a cup of milk chocolate mint and we toasted to our happy--if not unfailingly flawed-- marriage.
*photo of us as newlyweds taken on Utah Lake in the dead of winter
50 Pieces of Opinion:
That man loves you senseless.
(I wonder how many people will ask you what the present was.)
Has your husband ever heard that he looks like dean mcdermot? Also women are allowed to not like gifts for any number of reasons. We have to deal with periods, childbirth, and having estrogen which makes our body store fat...we are allowed to be grumpy or snobby
I have the same problem. Not snotty about people, but things. And not because of cost or where it came or the label, but just because if I don't like it, I don't like it. And I feel the need to be honest about it.
But I am doing better. Sort of.
The perfect marriage is one that has its flaws, and is still going strong anyway. 21 years later, I can still say this. This is a great post.
It is amazing how every post you write lately speaks right to me. My Birthday was on Sunday and the gift my hubby gave me was something I will NEVER wear, but i lied and said I loved it, and if that is one of our marriage's biggest flaws then i'd say we are doing pretty good. Flaws are what make life beautiful.
yeah. Sometimes the victory of being 'right' is pretty hollow when it hurts someone you love. I hate when that happens. It takes intense effort to stifle that urge to 'win' sometimes--when winning is actually losing.
I can read the guilt between the lines. lol! Don't feel bad for being honest but I can tell perhaps the only thing you regret is the way things are said. My sister is open & honest with her hubby and he KNOWS that she will tell him what she wants. I on the other hand keep quiet and it's not that great either because whatever bothers me just festers under the surface. Men are men, they don't know unless you tell them! So cheer up, your man loves you and that's what counts! And vice-versa too. : )
no flaws there...only REAL. xox
my mom is a fellow grandaughter of Nana and Pockey....I agree Jones women are naturally snobby. But we're also freakn' fabulous.
My husband doesn't like it when I answer questions for him either. But he loves me unconditionally--sounds like you have that awesomeness with Chup too. Happy anniversary of being sealed. Hot chocolate sounds like a great way to celebrate. :)
i think we all have a newlywed-hated-the-gift-story. in years to come it will be funny, not painful. and i believe now it's better to be nicely honest at the appropriate time about the gift.
and as for your last post about the growing package - i think that is one of the biggest mysteries of humankind. not that children grow, but that we continue to be amazed by it! i have 6 babies now and it's still happening much to my puzzlement. i think that's part of the reason i keep having them - i hope the new one will stay little and let the others be the growing versions. it's probably the most bittersweet part of motherhood.
Azucar: I think the post title answered that question!
CJ: where's the picture? It didn't show up on my computer? if it's the one you posted last year...oh, what a lovely photo it was of the two of you; you in your white coat with red boquet, snuggled against the blustery day into your husband's protective side. i'd love to see it again.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!
Isn't November a wonderful time to be married? and better yet to celebrate that marriage year after year, ever increasing in your love for your spouse and your gratitude that you got to marry such a great man?
At least, that's how I feel every year at exactly the middle of November when I, too get to celebrate marrying my fabulous husband. Of course, I feel grateful for my hubby all the time, but anniverary time is just such a great time to reflect on all we have been through together.
Anyway, I am happy for you that you recently had that opportunity to celebrate your forever Union with Chup. And so very happy for you that you get to bring your second child into your family next spring.
It's wonderful.
Even if the waffle maker DID have to go back to the store! (I just figured it must have been a waffle maker, since that was the title of your post) :D
When I was sixteen my grandma gave me disney princess sheets for Christmas. When I opened the package I was confused because I though I was a little too mature to be receiving this gift. So, I asked my grandmother if she'd made a mistake. She told me no and that she'd really meant the sheets for me. She looked pretty hurt and to this day- ten years later- I still can't forgive myself for hurting her. I also haven't told anyone that I'm harboring these feelings. So maybe now I can get over it.
Thanks everyone for letting me vent.
Ditto on the experience.
Except my father was the giver.
And the gift was a Victorian style hat with a toile bow the size of my head.
I cried and laughed and apologized all in one sob of emotion.
Wearing it, I wanted to simultaneously pants myself and give myself a middle school swirly.
Learning to be a gracious receiver of gifts that I don't like has been one of my greatest challenges! I think it's because I care so intensely about getting things that I love that I sometimes put that ahead of the person who gave it to me rather than being thankful for the experience of giving/recieving and then hiding the offending object away for some future garage sale.
I am glad to hear that flawed marriages can still be strong. Just when I thought our marriage was one of those blissfully perfect ones, it seems that we have so many differences lately. Ho-hum...
Yup. You're normal.
Where are all these men. Chup's proof they are alive and well, but where are they? And do they mind women with children? Do they mind women with already used and abused bodies a little on the chubby side? Hummm... maybe they don't really exist OR you have taken the only one already!
On a side note remind me to tell you the time my traveling musician ex, gave me a pair of "Bose Noise-Canceling Headphones" for MY birthday! Huh? I'd just had my second child, never left the house and wasn't aloud to put them on to tune out anything. I'm sure that gift was meant for himself! (Keeping quite about that one was hard and I'm sad to say I did ask what his thoughts on buying them for me were.)
I like this post, it sounds like some exact conversations we have in our home and exact same sort of apologies. Excited to see you on tv today!
Happy Anniversary! You two obviously share something special.
To avoid any future discomforts with unwanted gifts, the place to shop was the BIJOU MARKET this weekend! What a plethora of amazing handmade items! Many people on my Christmas list will thank you for making me aware of it. :)
When my husband and I were first married he decided that a shop vac would be an excellent gift for me to open on Christmas morning. I tried to be thankful and happy but my emotions got the best of me. Crying hysterically over the red and black Craftsman box containing said vacume I wailed -- Why? Why? Why? He explained that it would make it easier for me to clean out the dirty car that I was always complaining about. Really? REALLY? No, really isn’t that his job? Am I wrong? We laugh about it today and ever since that Christmas my car has never been cleaner thanks to my awesome husband and his excellent shop vac skills. :)
What’s worse is receiving a gift you really don't like (like an uncomfortable bathrobe) and then wearing it for many years because you lack the ability to say you don't like it. Honesty is always the best policy! I'm still trying to figure out a way the bathrobe can disappear! ;)
...other great gifts my husband got me for Christmas were running shoes, running pants, matching running jacket and to top it all off a women's running journal. Keep in mind I had just delivered our second child 6 weeks earlier. I do love him...he's a great guy and a wonderful father just not the best shopper! (: Im learing to cut him some slack!!
Off topic, can we get a recipe for Chup's Milk Chocolate Mint? :)
I have read your blog for a year now and I really enjoy reading your blog entries.
I hear you on the gifts. My husband always says this, "I can't read your mind." So he made a few good tries at gifts and a few that have been off over the years. Now I just hint or tell him what I'd like for holidays, birthdays.
But then he surprised me with flowers (tulips that he knows I like)on my first mother's day last year (our girls were an older foster to adopt last year).
So I guess it's a give and take, and I learned and he learned over the years, how to navigate around the gift giving issue.
Happy Anniversary!
Molly
It was our first Christmas together as newlyweds when my husband gave me a forest green PLEATHER nursing rocker. For his bride of 6 months. Who wasn't pregnant. Nor wanted to be for a loooong while.
He won't live that one down. I may not beat that dead horse as often, but a nursing rocker?
Men try. Oftentimes they gloriously fail, but at least he tries.
Poor Chup. Poor Ryan. Can't tell you how many times I've exchanged the gifts he's given me. Even my wedding ring.
Jeannie, I know.
Sigh.
The year before last, my husband thought his present of a twenty-dollar Sonic gift card was too good to wait until Valentine's Day. That was the same year my sister received handweights from her husband, while our single sister got flowers from two different guys. Dark times.
This year, I demanded chocolate chip cookies. He gave me cookies. It was a much better year.
I have been there done that and felt the same conflicts, except maybe worse because for the month and a half leading up to Christmas, whenever he brought up the gifts that I ended up getting I repeatedly and vehemently told him I did NOT want them. And I'm not the reverse psychology type of girl. And he knows it. And he bought them anyway and then was mad when I didn't want them.
*sigh*
Azucar...LMBO
Great post. It's interesting the gift giving dynamic between husbands and wives, isn't it?
Love your site; cool design!
Happy Anniversary to you guys!
This is funny. It's my anniversary and birthday this month. My most memorable one was the time hubby asked for a hint. I said I'd like something shiny and told him the store he could find it in. I received a stainless steel pressure cooker. It was shiny, but not jewelry. We still laugh about it after 36 years!
I received SOTRAGE BINS for christmas once from NOT my (now husband) but boyfriend at the time. Because i NEEDED them...who wants a gift that you NEED????? it was a test and i failed it because i freaked OUT!! lol...poor jeff. needless to say i only receive gifts that i want, not need.
Sometimes when I read your postings you seem so young...so so young and I don't intend that to be a bad thing. But tonight is one of those times. Men and women are very different. Bite your tongue off before you ever bring up that unwanted Christmas gift again to your husband. The sadness it causes between the two of you isn't worth you being right. The gifts don't matter. The thought REALLY is what matters. The fact that he crawls into the bed at night next to you, breathing softly as he falls asleep is the important stuff. Take it from someone who "used" to want to be right more than anything...being right isn't all it is cracked up to be, but being loved is. If my comment offends you, I apologize.
haha! waffles makers make wonderful waffles...if YOU love waffles it might have been the perfect gift!
i'm a snob too. poor poor husband.
Hahahahaa, Cjane you just are so funny and awesome at the same time. You write in a way that makes everyone relate to you, feel like you are thier sister. I love your posts!
I totally get the "I love yous"
That mean something else. I have a kinda bad habit of saying "I love you!" to my husband that express more-
confession/guilt
Sorry-ness
Excitedness
Frustration
and more...?!?
I actaully started doing that years ago to replace less kind words from coming out of my mouth at stressful times. Weird, huh.
And honestly, when it comes to Christmas/birthday/annivesary gifts, we don't even PRETEND to know what to get eachother, we just TELL eachother EXACTLY what we want. No suprises for us. And that's just perfect for us.
gifts. presents. our poor husbands always hoping to make a good choice. a good decision. rarely does it turn out the way they planned. last year i finally gave in and made a list of things he could think about getting me. then i ended up in the icu, in a coma, where i slept through the month of december.
my husband never left my side, sleeping in the recliner they brought into my icu room for him--my 6'5 husband sleeping on this thing day and night waiting for me to wake up. talk about a great gift--he is the best gift i could ever ask for.
--mari
Hi CJane readers! Have you checked out CJane's Community lately? There's lots of fun discussions going on. Come join in the fun. In light of this post I just started a thread called "The worst gift you ever got." Come share your stories! Or post a discussion of you own.
Here's the link:
http://theblogfrog.com/psearch/Community.aspx?blogID=1568
Or just use the widget on the sidebar to get there
Happy Anniversary! Marriage is hard work, as a marriage and family therapist and being in my own marriage of 26 years, I know how true it is ...
I think you guys would like my little book just released, "A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage." Can find it at borders, amazon, barnes&noble -- visit me @ www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
Last year my new husband bought me the cookbook, "Everyday Italian." He's Italian, and I can't cook. After I made my first meal and thought he'd need to be hospitalized, he just looked at me, smiled, and said, "Love." The way he said it filled me with a sense of peace as I knew it meant he'd be the cook in the family from then on! It's how I now know we'll forgive each other everything. He said it that way when I spilled ketchup on his favorite shirt last week, and after we lost a baby last month.
Even though I've told many people I love them over the years, it's just different with him. Sounds like you feel that way too :) Congrats on your happy marriage, and to knowing when NOT to fold 'em! After all, he'll love you no matter what...may as well get some good gifts out of the deal!
I cant believe so many think that a snob attitude is OK. It hurts people deep, I have been on the other end of the rope. No being a snob does not work for me. I remember once shopping carefully for a gift for my husband.I found something beautiful for him, different from his style but beautiful at least to me. He hated it and I was crushed and sad on a wonderful Xmas morning. I will never forget how hurt and misunderstood I felt. Really the gift is not important think about the intention behind it and practice GRATITUDE. Do not make your loved ones feel miserable over a petty mistake. I still remember my embarrasment...not worth it. Much better if you just ask for what you want...or make a list of possible surprises.
Learning GRATITUDE from PR
I believe that when he said "I love you" a few times, he was actually trying to convince himself that he does.
tell us about your wedding day....please
I don't know anything about the Mormon faith so when you tagged "sealing your faith" I was intrigued enough to read it. It's...um...an enlightening read. I think hubs would think I was crazy if this was asked of us, considering his Catholic background and my "eclectic" religious upbringing (oh yes, grammy dragged me to every Lutheran, Evangelical, and Baptist church there was to be had in our small town). I'd love to hear your story of this someday...I'm sure it was wonderful your recollections would be smart and funny with a smattering of your wit and sarcasm:)
And oh ya, about the gift thing...I also once received a much hinted about winter coat I badly needed and when I opened the box (newlyweds for about three months)I pulled out...wait for it...a GREEN BARN JACKET FROM CABELA'S. Mhm. You try to "love" that when I am a free-spirit vintage lovin hippie type. Oh the embarrassment of donning that coat for about five years until I finally woke up one day, turned to him and told him how much I despised the green puke...I mean coat. He raised an eyebrow and said: I paid good money for that coat and it will never go out of fashion. Really? REALLY? Wow.
I agree with the people who suggested we learn to bite our snobby tongues, but I also always tell my husband exactly what I want...no, I just buy my own gifts and wrap them myself. And I've always taken back gifts I don't like right away.
That's kind of pathetic too. He will usually try to buy something to surprise me. Or he buys me something big, like a new fridge or front load washer that I wanted and we call it the Christmas/Birthday present.
We do need to be gentle with each other. My father won't buy gifts anymore for my mom, just because of something she didn't like once. And I know that hurts her.
Last Christmas I announced I didn't want any gifts, but wanted to donate money to my favorite charities. I still got too much because of what we needed--a new phone, my husband's old laptop, and a dishwasher.
On my first birthday that we were married, he forgot it entirely. He ran out during his lunch hour and bought me oil paints. Recently he blindfolded me on my birthday and made me guess which brand of chocolate he was putting in my mouth!
But, I can't remember what kind of gift giver I have been. I do make the cake!
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