I don't know how humans physically come out of "the woodwork" but for the past week people have been apologizing to me left and right and center court. Tons of people, from good friends to strangers, family and facebook friends all worried about hurting my tender feelings. ONLY I HAVEN'T ONCE BEEN OFFENDED.
This is befuddling. (Does it offend you when I use that word?)
After a rousing conversation about politics, religion, race and sexuality with my visiting teachers (the female equivalent to home teachers) one morning I felt invigorated. Perhaps when people love eachother there really aren't topics of conversation off limits! But then the night following, my visiting teacher showed up with a party plate full of peanut butter chocolate love bars and a practiced apology. I was almost offended that she thought I was offended, but told her I'd take the treats anyway just to ease her of her guilt--the ultimate act of charity.
Others too have called, come by or mentioned in conversation how ashamed they were for something they said. Something I might have taken wrong. Something they couldn't stop thinking about. Like my friend today who called to say she was sorry for teasing me when I said the word "peepers" during church yesterday in front of the children. I laughed at her for even dialing my number. Besides peepers is in the Bible. Look it up.
This isn't like two weeks ago when instead of apologies, people came crawling out of the woodwork sending ugly photos of me as a missionary. Isn't that uncanny? Ugly photos of yours truly were being tossed into my inbox like croutons on a Caesar salad. Ugly like Day Light Savings Time. In fact, if you are my facebook friend you can go right now and find one in my photos file.
I can't tell which experience is worse, having to look at ugly photos of myself or people thinking they have offended me when they haven't.
Anyway, before I get too derailed and start to tell you about how I sprayed myself and then Chup in the eyeballs with The Chief's lavender sleeping spray tonight, I shall gather this whole post in to some sort of sense.
I need to:
a.) figure out why people think I am so sensitive. Is it my allergies? I don't have allergies.
and
b.) figure out what offends me. Because it sure ain't what people think it is.
(It used to be my lisp. Anytime someone mentioned my lisp I'd be really hurt, but Chup came along and started calling it "cute, in a sexy sort of way" and then I didn't care what people said about my slip of my tongue. So there, high school.)
Maybe I should turn this question on the world.
Dear World, do you know what offends you?
*thanks Soeur Clark for the photo, you are welcome for the leopard print dress.
104 Pieces of Opinion:
Well, I aint sorry for nothin! ;)
I like "thick-skinned" people!
And, for the record, in my opinion, I think it's a waste of time to ponder on what could offend us--there's so many happier things to think about.
I don't know what offends me anymore. Life is to short to worry about such things.
However, did I offend you last week or so, when I told you I wasn't LDS? But through you I am intrigued. Well, you and the missionaries that live in the guest house on the other side of my backyard fence. Boy do they get uo early.
--Mari
I love a rousing debate, and often find people apologizing for their outspoken opinions, when there is nothing to be sorry for. I'm only offended when my opinions are not given the same respect.
Actually, I'm also offended by pictures of me from 8th grade. Then again if you saw them, you'd probably be offended too.
I was offended when a woman told me she could tell I was pregnant because of the "weight" I was carrying in my face.
I'm over it.
However, I'm pregnant again. I really hope no one tells me that.
I like it when people aren't easily offended. It makes me feel free to tease them. And that makes me feel close to them, especially if they tease back.
I think people are afraid of offending you because you are such a kind and loving person and they would be sad if they hurt you. There, my two cents, even though you asked what offends me, not you! :)
Didn't Elder Bednar once give a talk about not being easily offended?
I'm working on that, but at this point I'm still offended by the ever-impossible dating situation up here at Y-daho and rude people.
Besides, life's way more fun when you're not getting worked up over the little things.
Ehh I'm pretty sure someone would have to say something pretty horrible to offend me. I'm from the south and I'm used to everybody and their momma knowing my buisness and feeling free to ask, gossip, or offer unwanted advice. The moral of the story is that I'm always okay.
I'm offended by the odor that permeated the cab I was just in.
P.U. man, P.U.!
maybe they are worried you will blog it :)
This girl could be right.
I get offended when I share my opinion, which is likely to be different than someone elses, and they demonize me. I'm entitled to expressing my opinion as much as they are. The irony!
But then I really don't get offended, just mad. What's the difference?
I was pretty sensitive as a child and was easily offended at just about anything. I'm sure it all boiled down to my lack of self confidence (I had none), and self esteem (none). It's better now, and I'm trying not to let it get to me. I'm a much happier person for it.
I'm with jendoop. I don't get offended very often - I do get a little pissed off sometimes. But then I chill out and it's all good. And usually, the amount of pissed is directly related to how many times the comment is reiterated (in one form or another).
It offends me when people bring up how we got pregnant. Last pregnancy I talked about it. It was 4 years ago. This pregnancy no one even knew we were trying, but yet they still feel it is ok to ask questions that are HIGHLY offensive.
I get offended by people who are too sensitive!!!! Makes me want to yell "get over it" but I know that would offend them more. I, too, like thick-skinned gals.
Go cjane!
I'm pretty hard to offend...I'd say the only thing is insincerity. I hate feeling like I'm conversing with a fake plastic person who says what they think I want to hear or pretend to be something that they clearly are not.
I don't get offended too easily... I get more offended when someone offends my friends or family. Then I get blazing mad! I don't like when people are mean or offensive to people I love. Not Nice!
Being sensitive and being offended are two different things in my opinion.
When we are sensitive about something, we are usually hurt by comments of others because of our own insecurities. It's about us, really. ANYONE can offend, when this is the case and sensitive people can wind up saying they are "offended" when really it's just a matter of developing tougher skin.
When we ARE truly offended, it is a result of our feeling that someone has said or done something that really violates us in some way. Jokes about people with special needs,for instance,deeply offend me. And that is not a matter of me being sensitive in any way.
When people apologize, it's likely because they think/feel THEY have offended us, or otherwise they would chalk it up to us just being "too sensitive". Usually these kinds of apologies are more a reflection that it's about them, not you--if that makes any sense. They are not saying "you are sensitive" they are simply making sure they didn't cross any lines that might have offended you.
I only get offended when people get offended by me and I had no intention of offending them. People are way too touchy.
This makes me think of something Brigham Young said, which I love: "He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool." Now if I could just keep myself on the right side of the fool line all the time, that would be amazing. I'm generally easy-going and unruffled, but mess with my loved ones or little kids, and it's a different story.
Hmmm, what offends me? Is being bugged the same thing as being offended?
The only thing that really bugs me is when I am trying to have a conversation with someone that will never let me finish my sentences. They just butt right in over my words like it doesn't matter. I am not really offended though, just bugged.
I can't really think of anything that offends me.....I will have to get back to you on that one.
Hmmm, what offends me? Is being bugged the same thing as being offended?
The only thing that really bugs me is when I am trying to have a conversation with someone that will never let me finish my sentences. They just butt right in over my words like it doesn't matter. I am not really offended though, just bugged.
I can't really think of anything that offends me.....I will have to get back to you on that one.
I usually get pretty offended with posts about offensiveness.
But no apologies are needed, Cjane, just a plate of peanut-butter bars and a mix CD of music to soothe the tormented soul will work fine.
You know the address.
i have to agree with Chelsie- growing up in the south (Georgia to be exact)really, truly thickens up your skin.
Not only because of the fact that everyone is always in your business (my mother's dream- she always knew what was going on one way or another) and offering their very much unwanted advice, but very few people are reserved when they speak their mind. When you get debating down there, ooooweee! There are no words in the human language that are left in the dictionary when the night is over.
It takes too much energy to be offended over things- it's way easier to roll with the punches.
He who takes offense when NO offense was intended is a fool. He who takes offense when offense WAS intended is an even bigger fool!
I am recently offended when I think people really have no clue what type 1 diabetes is.. but feel blessed to bring awareness as much as I can!
if you want to offend me in the worst way possible, lie to me.
compulsive writer
It's simple, Courtney. They are not so much concerned with offending you as they are worried how and if they are going to be portrayed on your blog. And in your visiting teacher's case it may have backfired because here you are, blogging about her.
Sometimes I get angry at people who are too easily offended. A major example of this would be when people online get offended because someone holds a different opinion to them on something REALLY trivial. But then on the other hand, I get offended by bigoted opinions on issues like race, women, that sort of thing.
Easily offended women.
Growing up I was very easily offended.Cried way too much! But as I have grown and survived real hardships and trials I have learned to not stress the small stuff.
But when I do get offened it's when some higher then thou person decides to put someone else down for their own lifting up. Rude people offend me!!! Oh and people that curse like a dirty sailor when there are families around. I don't like it even if it's only adults around but when children's innocent spirits are present it offends on a whole other level!
There you go!!! :-)
I think that offends, irks, annoys, peeves, upsets, all things that are in the same category. I think that the top thing on my list is "people that have decided they know about things they have no idea about" ie, the church, your personal life, how you are raising your children, etc.
A good friend of mine told me once "the only person that can make you feel guilty is yourself"-so I wonder what the apologetic people have going on. I wonder, but I'm not going to act like I know. :)
First of all, I didn't recognize you in that picture.
Second, I really try to not be "offendable." I have said to my kids before - "you can't offend me." I hope that is true.
P.S. When someone does something that might be offensive, I try to "choose to be amused" instead.
C-
My heart just jumped outta my skin when I opened my google reader and saw this post. I'm dying laughing you posted that picture! That'll teach me to think twice before hitting send:)
And you know it was ALL about the leopard dress and nothing about our beauty....cuz we were sexy hot (with or without leo).
My only regret is that I don't still have that dress. I would certainly send it to you in the mail!
Dang U! I'm offended!
Mayonnaise offends me. Should my server (or the cook) not heed my order of "86ing the mayo", I tend to take it personally.
P.S. My best friend just got to the MTC in Provo and she keeps her eyes peeled for you every time she goes outside. Pretty girl with curly, red hair. She loves you.
You cjane, YOU offend me.
Love this. There are things that offend me, but really it takes a bit to offend me.
If someone talks about my family in a negative way, that for sure offends me. If someone talks negatively about my beliefs, or completely disrespects them and me, that offends. Not much else.
By the way, love your mission pics. I refuse to dig mine out ;)
I am offended by most everything during "that time of the month", which is annoying because normally I wouldn't be offended that easily. I quess I am just really sensitive.
I just feel bad for my husband one week a month!!
I am a new reader to your blog and I just wanted to say thank you for giving me something to ponder all day....
What truly offends me????
hmm...not that, that? no, not really....still thinking....
Well, I am easily offended...because I am really sensitive. I wish I had tougher skin. However I will tell you what offends me the most...
I have a few people who attack me on my blog by saying I don't love my husband. That is the biggest piece of blasphemy ever. I don't know why it offends me, but it does.
Gah.
It offends me when people get offended over DUMB things, when they take a comment out of context, or when they expect others to somehow be "sensitive" to their oh-so-important-yet-hidden feelings.
UGH. That's why I hate emotional women.
When we're easily offended it usually means we esteem ourselves too highly. If you think about it, we probably become offended by others stepping on our toes, hurting our feelings, or not treating us the way we feel we deserve. But if we think of others as more highly than ourselves we are more inclined to forgive than to carry that offense.
Could it be in the air? I am not easily offended, but lately I keep feeling the need to apologize for things I've said that someone might have taken the wrong way. It's really weird, because I feel more confident to say what I want to say initially, followed almost immediately by fear that it was taken the wrong way.
I would say more bugged... I was thinking about this during the night (what I think about because I'm pregnant and don't sleep much). I am bugged when perfectly nice guys expect to get a "Barbie doll" when they themselves are nowhere close to "Ken". Just saying... :)
Hello, not to be a worry wart, but lavender is not recommened for boys.
Here's the WebMD link:
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20070131/lavender-oil-may-spur-breasts-boys
I get asked "when are you due?" all the time!!! (enlarged uterus issues... Too much info)?? Once when I was buying a pregnancy test the clerk even questioned why I was buying the test because she thought I already was... and told me so! For the record, she also said "UH OH! Ohh NO!" (like it was a problem if I were)!!!
After I left, I got in my car, called my friend and laughed SO hard..... and then wen't to in-n-out!
The answer to your b) question:
When people bash your lovely hometown of Provo.
I don't know how I came up with that one. I guess it was just a hunch ;)
maybe not offends....but laziness really peeves me....but maybe that is becasue I am currently an overachiever....I don't know....
off topic, I know.
Maybe they are worried because you are prego...That usually means more hormones, you know, and more easily hurt.
Undermining me because of my age. Why can't people see me for my accomplishments and not for some number that I had nothing to do with?
Most of the time I just blow it off; I like to think I'm like you and not be fast to offense, but that one thing really gets me sometimes.
Racist comments deeply offend me. That's about it.
I am offended when people say/do things intentionally to offend me. Otherwise, I look at the intent of the person and choose not to be offended.
I'm totally with Carla(your 1st commentor)......I ain't apologizing...so don't worry about it!
Enjoy your day wih the Chief and revel in the joys of pregnancy!!!!
It really bugs me when other people are offended by OPINIONS! If you can't have good conversation, if you are afraid to listen to others, to either disagree, or offer a different view, what's the point of conversing at all?
Racism, violence and judgement. It's an offensive troika.
I don't get offended...really. I think though I just don't let people close enough to hurt me. That is a problem. But, I guess I get "irritated" when people think I am offended. Life is too short for all the drama!! Be happy people!!
I think the happier we are, and the more full of the Spirit we are, the slower we are to take offense.
But then again, maybe people are just terrified that something they've said or done will "make your blog"...and they're trying like mad to intercept that kind of infamy.
My mother has a wise friend who taught me that being offended is a CHOICE. I love that! That means I have control over whether or not I allow myself to be offended. I personally do not think I'm offended easily. If someone says saying that rubs me wrong I'll voice my opinion...for example...
My mother died of melanoma skin cancer 2 years ago at the young age of 51. My visiting teacher, who knows this, mentioned last week (IN FRONT OF ME) to a friend that cancer is caused by negative energy. What? Excuse me? Yes, that totally rubbed me wrong. Did I get all mad at this woman or let my feelings get "hurt"? No. Instead, I asked her, well, what about all those young, sweet children who get cancer?? Negative energy? I could say more about that whole subject but I won't. My point is--I chose not to be offended, as in I'm not going to walk around with bad feelings against that woman.
My grandma used to say, "If you find your toes are getting stepped on a lot, you better pull your toes in."
I loved that lady. And she was very offensive. (Just kidding!)
Interestingly, a woman called me today to apologize for her daughter-in-law whom she thought might have offended me. (She hadn't. In fact, I hadn't given it a second thought.) It was an awkward conversation, and one that, ironically, I can't get out of my head. "Why did she feel the need to call? Why did she think I was offended? Why am I giving this any mental weight?..."
Racism offends me.
I hate it when people I know and am friends with that ask me about my weight, I am not a heavy person, I am overweight and I know it. but I think it is funny, because I would think that they would realize I already know I am overweight and I am working on it. I don't need them to point out the obvious! So yes that is the one thing I can't stand. I then feel awkward around them.
i am pretty thick-skinned, but when people are terribly rude to other people (like servers in a restaraunt, cashiers in a store), it makes me crazy. i am very offended buy rudeness. common courtesy is highly underrated in our society.
I am offended by deliberate meanness.
as you it is a physical uncontrollable quality of mine...my unruly curly african american hair. did i mention i'm of danish decent and therefore as pasty as they come?
say i have big hair, and we're done.
The only thing I can think of is when people come to my work right as we are closing, promise they only need one quick thing and then dilly-dally for twenty minutes and ask us every question in the book.
I get especially offended if they are repeat offenders at this. I try not to take it personal, but it's as if they are saying my time at home with my family is not valuable. I don't mind people running late. I've been there, but get in and get out... Please.
I am not easily offended, but if someone slights my dear wife, there is hell to pay. Love the blog, I am new to it.
Maybe they want to apologize now so you don't write a post about them? :)
Taking offense when none is intended is foolish, and if we are offended, it is our CHOICE. I try to not take things so personal because sometimes I have a hard time making the right CHOICE when it comes to being offended.
if i am in a bad mood i hate to say that everything offends me! but as a rule (because i'm quite a cheery person!)its only the things that would offend everyone, such as when my friends no less, call me fish eyes because i have narrow eyes, with big pupils, however i got contact lenses two days ago and everyone has been telling me how big my eyes look today! so as a rule only offending people and snobs offend me!
If offends me, even with people I love, when they get hurt because my feels are hurt over something they said about being against legal, civil, gay marriage.
I know it's a political issue but our son is gay, so it's also deeply personal.
Our dreams, our son's dreams, have not changed; college, marriage, babies.
Yes, we used to be the family that could talk about anything but I'm not reasonable about this anymore.
Isn't that okay for a mother? And father?
Sigh...love is complicated.
You must be an honest person which therefore draws the honesty out of people. Or in other words, people let their gaurd down around you, then go home and realize what they've done and feel they must apologize!
I prize authenticity, and relish when people let their (religious) guard down around me.
~Bonnie
The most offensive thing to me is when people think I'm offended.
It IRKS.
I, too, am offended by people who apologize for things by which I am not offended. I suppose it's them having the wrong impression about me that offends me.... don't know.
Either way, I'm offended when people leave me with a wrong impression, (aka- lying or bearing false witness)
I am not easily offended but am afraid that I offend others too often. If you ask my opinion, I will give it. Honestly. I beleive in telling the truth in MOST situations. I do however believe that kindness is also very important and it takes a wise person to know the difference. I hope I am wise enough.
I love your blog.
I LOVE this blog and I absolutely LOVE ugly missionary pics (except of me, of course). I think the real question you need to be asking yourself is this: what is it about you that inspires people to say or do things THEY think is across the line. They're apologizing for what they said because they think it was inappropriate and assume you should, too.
P.S. Now have I offended you?
P.P.S. I never get offended either.
Sometimes I wonder if it's a church thing. I finally just told the relief society pres that as long as she didn't call me ugly or fat to my face I probably wouldn't be offended. She stills starts every pres. meeting with an apology. Sigh.
I don't really get offended but I do get irked when people (in front of our daughters who are recently adopted) say "Congrats on your adoption! Are you going to try have a real baby next?"
Wow. For fakes these ones sure eat a lot!
Very little offends me, but, I did get this in response to my "will there be santa at the ward christmas party this year?"
"As long as I'M in charge there will NEVER be Santa at this party because he is a lie... and the devil is the father of all lies"
Which made me feel as though I was a part of the devil's sinister santa program (tm) for even mentioning it. I was a wee bit offended I suppose.
bigotry offends me.
i don't think much else does.
i had a neighbor come knocking at my door a few weeks ago, shortly after sharing Sunday dinner with them. She wanted to apologize for saying something like my calling at church was easy. I had no idea what she was talking about--but agreed that it was easy...after she left, I told my husband: I have finally met somebody who worries more than I do. Poor woman.
Why must everyone else's comments reflect such maturity and insight? I was all excited to list the many things that offend me, but reading so many positive perspectives has almost changed my mind...nah..let's list them anyway!!
Things that Offend (Or at least Annoy) Me
1. People chewing ice
2. People who post excessive emo status updates on facebook
3. People saying they wont read Harry Potter because its about witchcraft!!
AHHH!! The last one really offends me:)
On a side note: You served in Montreal, right? So did my sister!! (Sister Hinsdale)
I look young for my age, and I am offended when a stranger refers to me as "sweetie" or a lover as "young lady"--neither in a mean way; both sound and feel offensive to my irrational ears.
I had an ectopic pregnancy earlier this year and had to take a medication that would cause my body to miscarry. While this was going on, a lady at church walked up to me and very loudly asked if I'd had the abortion yet. That has been the only time I've been offended by something someone else has said to me. I'm working on forgiving her.
Right now I'm offended that people look at my 25 weeks pregnant belly and "aren't sure" if I'm pregnant or not. Do I really look like a keg a day girl?
I get people apologizing to me too and I'm always like, " I have no idea what you are talking about!"... I must wear a grumpy face and not realize it or something. I don't get offended too much- but I do get annoyed- particularly annoying to me is arrogance, pretense and snobbery.
I think your friends and neighbors don't want to show up on your blog! :)
Maybe they are afraid that if they offend you then you will blog about it and the whole world will know, so instead they apologize to stay on your good side so you won't.....oh wait....you just did. Well, you sure showed them!
What offends me is purposefully rude people. You know, the kind that see you running to catch the door while it is still open because your arms are too full of crap to open the door your self and yet they don't even bother to hold it for you. Yeah, on a given day, that will get me boiling.
Well, I know what offends me.
When people criticize, myself or anyone for that matter, without a good case or evidence. If you're going to go there- go there courtroom style.
When people don't really listen. This is so frustrating, and I encountered this a lot from people (not the good friends, but a lot of people I wasn't very close with) when I left the LDS church. People were programed to think I was just "offended" by something a person did. Nope! Love so many LDS people- but that's going down another road...
Not much gets me anymore. Except... right now I'm busy and trying to save money. I was doing a photo shoot was a wealthy family's home and the little girl says to me, "there's a hole in your dress." Now, granted, it was coming from a five year old- so it was cute, and I do look at my clothes before I put them on. Sure enough, I got home, and there is literally a pin sized hole in the back. I guess I should throw it out! Oh gosh.
It's nice to have thick skin.
My first comment but I am pretty passionate about this subject. Basically, I hate that word "offend", really no one even knows what it means. What does it mean?
Yet people use it way to often. If the word offended didn't exist what word would take it's place? A phrase maybe, "hurt feelings" or "upset".
The word "offend" sounds like a blaming word and it goes both ways which is really weird. Watch this, "I am sorry I offended you" Blaming me for being offended OR "You offended me" sounds like you are blaming yourself for being offended. WEIRD!! But try this, "I am sorry I hurt your feelings" DIFFERENT, now they are taking the blame.
As far as I am concerned the word "offend" should not exsit. Because it is a lot easier for me to say, "Oh don't worry you didn't hurt my feelings" instead of "why do you think I was offended?"
THE WORD OFFEND IS VERY OFFENSIVE TO ME. (probably because my mother in-law used it way to often when we were newly weds)
As a recent mother of a near-drown victim, I can honestly say that judging of mothers who have lost or nearly lost loved ones to the "waters" is my ultimate spot. I'm sure this is more serious than you were expecting, but I had to write it.
well here's a little something out there :)
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_Courtney_Jane_and_Chups'_son's_real_name
I too hate it when people diss Utah, especially Provo. When I lived there people would go on and on about how horrible this or that was, and I'd always just say, NO ONE IS MAKING YOU LIVE HERE! If you don't like it leave, so that those of us who do can live here in peace! sheesh. I guess I get offended when people choose to complain about their situation rather than just embrace it or change it. Yup, that's it.
I was apparently born with my foot in my mouth and missing the tact gene, so I have offended many without even knowing it. One friend waited three years to tell me I had offended her three years ago. I could have apologized so much sooner had I known! I am not easily offended, but I do dislike condescension.
It's a Church thang. Seriously. Sorry for saying that, did I offend anyone? If I offended you, then I didn't mean it, and I'd like to bear my testimony of the importance of forgiveness and blah blah blah.... I agree with the being "programmed" to worry about offending others in our Church. It's a habit now, the latest style in Mormon-speak now that "Every fiber of my being" is so last season.
Here's my beef: Don't you think humanity would be a bit stronger, a bit more in harmony if we could stop treading on ice and just BE happy with ourselves?
The very best advice I was given is this:
"It is none of my business what you think of me." Changed my world.
My mother-in-law......
.........
Yep, that's about it.
hmmm.... I think it's therapeutic to figure out what offends you. I think it will help people to not "Sweat the Small Stuff." :)
What offends me?
1.Small-minded people who think they are open minded.
2. Political Programs on all channels that interrupt all good tv and then I am forced to watch bad TLC programming.
3. And this is the Big One: When people tell me I look tired or sick when it's obvious that I showered and put on makeup and Tried to look pretty. This was especially true when I was pregnant and swollen to the point that I resembled an overcooked sausage.
More cookies?
I heard a "Sealer" many years ago, counsel: "The more easily you are offended, the futher you are from the Savior." I use that as my gage when I feel myself getting upset or offended. I begin to think-where am I in my relationship with the Savior? It keeps me on track. I think they are great words of wisdom-"The more easily you are offended, the further you are from the Savior."
Hrmph... the thing that offends me the most is unnecessary comments, when someone unnecessarily tells you something you already know, whether you want to know it or not. Like rubbing salt into the wound, I guess.
An offense is like a dirty sock....who wants to receive a dirty sock? I try to just listen, listen and love, love. If people hurt my feelings I just give it to Jesus because He has my heart and is more then capable of working it all out. I choose rather to forgive and throw things into the sea of forgetfulness like Jesus does. Hugs!
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