Merry Chrismas From Retro House!

Post Cards from Postpartum: When the Bough Breaks

 

Having had two previous spring babies, I was nervous for a bundle arriving the same time as the cold weather. So far, I've loved it. We cuddle and watch out the window at the snow flurries wiggling in the air like live snow globes or I put Erin in her baby swing in front of the yeti tree and she's mesmerized for . . . minutes . . . but that's enough time to go check my email.

And we only leave the house if I am going cabin crazy, which for a homebody for me is every almost four days. When we do go out we like to look at Christmas lights at night or wait in the car while Dad runs errands. It's a pretty riveting life we've got here.

Mostly we stay home, crank up the heat, fill up the humidifier and sleep.
A lot.

 



Photos by my friend Wendy of Blue Lily.

Post Cards from Postpartum: More Muu Muu

I found the perfect postpartum outfit, accessible for nursing and hip (ish) and perfectly in line with Reachel Bagley's rules for post birth dressing.It's called a muu muu top.

One day while wondering what I was going to wear for the rest of my life (not the rest of my life, I'm being dramatic) I lamented the loss of my muu muus. I had put them away in the closet downstairs because muu muus are not easy access for the nursing mother. But as I stood in wonderment I thought about those muu muus and had a great idea.

I asked Chup to severly hem them for me. We marked them about mid-thigh and he took them downstairs and in about an hour I had the perfect top. I mean, THE PERFECT TOP. Flowy, breezy and hot-flash acceptable. I wear them with leggings or jeans or heck, jeggings, and boots. And now I crave going out second hand shopping so I can make more.

I'd show a picture here, but I think Erin in her first muu muu is definitely eight or ten times cuter than me in my muu muu top. So just know, I'm pleased with myself.

Erin's first muu muu made for her by Little Red Wren.
Photos by the incomparable Wendy of Blue Lily.

Post Cards from Postpartum: Good Things Come in 3s?

 

My mother said she wanted to have babies forever. 

I feel that way too, in a way, I could smell a baby's head every day for the rest of my life and never and ever get tired of it. It should be bottled and sold, with a label that reads The Scent of Newborns and Angels.

But the minute Erin was born I was encompassed by a feeling--a feeling of surprising certainty--that this baby was our last. And unlike my mother who spent years mourning for more maternity, I've been swooped up in a giant postpartum vacuum of love-dovey, over-flowy feeling that my life is complete.

Three.

It's got a nice ring to it, no?

Pictures of Erin from Wendy of Blue Lily Photography.

Post Cards from Postpartum: Chow!

One day while breast feeding I lost it.

As one who likes to keep moving through the day (because I will fall into utter laziness if I don't) I find sitting down to nurse my baby is a practice in self control. 


Sit here and feed your baby, I have to tell myself.

Don't get up to pick pieces off the carpet.

Don't get up to pour more sippy substance for Ever.

Stay put in this spot for twenty minutes even if the kitchen should catch fire and the bacon burns.

But one day as I was sitting down I started to feel lumpy and post-birthy. 

Not pretty.


And I recognized these feelings as a trail back to my former self when I thought my body was weak if it shifted, changed shape or became fleshier than usual.


So I texted Janna, my unpaid therapist.

Janna, I am feeling fat.

And she replied,

Fat is not a feeling.

Right. Right. Sometime I ago I realized I only felt two emotions: happy or fat. I didn't have bad days. I only had fat days. Feeling fat masked what I was really feeling--lonely, loser-ish, angry, small voiced--because I believed being fat was worse than the sum of all negative parts.


And that theory was dead wrong.


So I sat there, sat and nursed and asked myself,


What ARE you feeling?


I thought about the night before. Lisa had brought us a huge meal of Indian-spiced chicken, rice, feta salad and chocolate chip cookies. I sat down to eat and the baby started crying. WHY DO ALL MY BABIES ALWAYS CRY WHEN I WANT TO EAT?


I calmed the baby and sat down again.

The Chief needed more drink and when I got up to help him, Ever spilled hers. It slowly puddled over the table and started an annoying drip, drip, drip. I got up to clean it, sat down again and was only minutes in until the next need erupted.


When the kids were finally put down to bed that night and the baby was stuffed into sleep by the weight of my arms, I fled back into the kitchen. I pulled out all the Tupperware, ripped off the rubber lids and desperately ate right out of the container like I had just come home from Starving Camp.


I ate and ate and ate until I could actually feel food in my stomach.


Then I felt awful. Not physically awful but emotionally awful. Why did I need to eat so much? Two dinner meals? Was I consuming some stress? Was I devouring my feelings? But at that point I was too tired for a dessert topped with analytical self-exploration so I went to bed.


And here I was sitting, not able to move a muscle, forced to think. I thought and thought and thought until I finally realized what was going on.

I was hungry.


It's like trying to eat in a monkey cage around here--and I've got to eat for my baby and for myself. With the distractions flying at me at the same speed as my baby wants to consume, if I am not determined, I get almost no calories in my body at all.


I wasn't depressed, sunk, spent. Overwhelmed, frustrated, fat. Losing, lumpy, frumpy and weak I WAS HUNGRY.


And most likely I was hungry after The Chief was born and I was hungry after Ever was born but instead of listening to myself, I did what I always do when I feel fat, I restricted calories. I had never really educated myself on hunger as a means to an end, but I had spent years seeing hunger as a depressed, unvoiced emotional need. For most of my life hunger was not a desire to eat, it was a sign of intelligent deficiency and deprivation of honesty.


This was a small, obvious break through for me, but so important.


Janna texted me back offering,  

Are you feeling unhappy about your body shape?


No, I replied, I just realized, I'm hungry.


And I've been eating ever since.

Pictures of Erin from Wendy of Blue Lily Photography.

The Most Wonderful Night of The Year

Chup here -

Welcome to our family Christmas party.

I don't want to brag, but you knew The Lower Lights came, right?

3 nights after filling a huge auditorium with 700 people, they came to our little ol' Green Room.

Paul, Dustin, Scott, Sarah, Deborah, Darrin and even Cherie showed up to sing us some songs from their Christmas Album Come Let Us Adore Him.

I hung some lights, set up some chairs and built a fire.

And then it was hootenanny time.



Hootenannies. Do they even have those anymore? I dunno, but I think we had one.

There were some band members --dear friends-- that couldn't make it and were missed.

Family members too, but we did have a great turnout. Standing room only. So don't feel bad if you weren't invited. We'd LOVE to do some bigger shows that everyone could attend.

Yes, you, lopsided tuque guy from down the street. You too.

The biggest thank-you and a hearty Merry Christmas! to the band, friends and family. It was a wonderful evening.

Chup out-

Angels Greet with Anthems Sweet

Last night Chup, Erin and I went up to Salt Lake City to see the Lower Lights Christmas show. We battled some traffic, some fog and biting cold to get there, but we fought on. Erin was bundled in about, oh, fourteen hundred layers. RSV STAY FREAKING AWAY.

When we got to the Masonic Temple where the concert was being held, I ran in the building with Erin while Chup parked. I was met by a very friendly security guard who told me about catching his fourth baby in the car on the way to the hospital.

"I kept thinking, I did this!" he told me with a puffed up bravado in his voice.

Never before have I loved birth stories more than I do now. All shapes and sizes. Christmas really is the celebration of a birth story and I've spent a lot of time this year thinking of Mary and Joseph having a baby in a barn, alone and quiet. It has survived the centuries as the epic birth story of all time.

The concert was entertaining, bouncing and humorous like always. As I sat on the top row, nursing Erin, with Chup by my side a few of the musicians started to play my favorite Christmas song, What Child is This?

It was an acoustic arrangement with a guitar, fiddle, banjo and steel guitar. All the sounds melted together in and out of moving solos of each instrument. And each solo was like a dramatic masterpiece.

I looked over at Chup and he was crying.

"This is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard," he whispered.

In our lifetime together I've only seen Chup cry a few times (the first time was when he broke up with me on New Years Day, bad move boyfriend, bad move).

Chup was feeling was the Holy Spirit. It's that clenching feeling that wraps around every atom in your body and electrifies it with joy. In that moment you are forced to cry or exclaim the old truth, Life is Beautiful! All of it. The hard and the soft. The cold and the hot. It's beautiful in all its shapes and sizes. And God loves us, all of us, there's no denying.

After the song was over we were told that particular piece had never been rehearsed. It was entirely improvised on the spot.

Thanks Lower Lights for being the messenger last night.

How Do I Afford My Rock n Roll Lifestyle?

So.

Last night was my first night on the town since having a baby three weeks ago.

Chup took me to your favorite person Mindy Gledhill's private Christmas concert. I was like a freed rat from a cage. Man alive was I hyper.

So hyper I had to warn everyone in the room. I had spent over two weeks mainly within the walls of my own home. I didn't even crack a window, that's how contained I've been. I took a dirty diaper out to the garbage can one day during this self-inflicted house arrested and I sniffed the air. I actually sniffed the air, like, "SO THIS IS WHAT FREEDOM SMELLS LIKE."

So, you can imagine.

But last night I put on my cranberry stain lipstick and boots and boy, did I get out.

The concert was in the Great Salt Lake Guitar company--a cool guitar-building company in a beautiful old edifice in downtown Provo. Page took the time to inform our family, during the concert, that our great-great-grandfather once owned that building and it was likely a familial ghost was inhabiting the building.

I love a good Christmas concert with a riveting ghost story. Have you heard of SCROOGE?

I was thrilled when my friend Libbie Linton came out on stage to open for Mindy. Libbie has a voice like my dreams. And with her followed the perfectly coiffed Spencer Harrison. Chup said to me during this opening set, "I am going to like tonight." 

Then Mindy came out in all her holiday glory. She started the set with "Close to You" by the Carpenters. I said to Chup, "This is the most perfect Mindy Gledhill cover ever." Guess what? I was right.

After that song was over Mindy talked about her connections with my family. She went to high school with Stephanie and half my in laws and cousins. My brother Topher directed her Winter Moon video (with puppets). She went to Kenya with Page. And me, she talked about how I sing with her on occasion and how her amazing guitarist Joe accompanied us last June on the Rooftops.

Throughout the entire concert I really tried to keep a cap on the fireballish need of unleashing some pent up energy. Luckily my friend Tammy was sitting behind me and Tammy is sort of a connoisseur of my goofiness. Last October she paid for my dinner at P712 because I made her laugh. Well, that's what I told myself.

Thanks for the photo Mr. Nielson

Anyway.

At the end of the concert, Mindy says to the crowd "We have a tradition around here..."

(And my heart started beating with anticipation.)

"...whenever I perform with Courtney in the audience I like to invite her on stage to sing with me."

Yes, she did.

So I did what I always do, I pretend that I HAD NO IDEA and then I run up on stage and rip the microphone out of her precious Mindy Gledhill hands.

But this time, this time was different. This time was different because as I said before I just had a baby. JUST HAD A BABY. And you know, I really should be on maternity leave from performing.

Yet, how could I turn down the invite on a night like last night, right?

On the stage I jumped and in so doing I igniting a flame inside of me that could not be extinguished. Mindy announced we were going to sing the Christmas Song, which is that tune about Yuletide Carols Being Sung By A Choir and Folks Dressed Up Like Eskimos (sing it with me) Everybody Knows, Some Turkey and Some Mistletoe, Will Help To Make The Season Bright... (stop singing, continue reading).

But Mindy and the band were singing this baby really up-tempo. I mean jazzy like. And I made the audience stand up and dance. So all this going on and suddenly I start laughing.

Laughing and laughing and laughing.

And then, (you know where this is going . . .) I started to pee my pants.

On stage.

So I did the whole cross the legs routine, and I crossed those legs like it was the only job I had in the world. I crossed and laughed and tried to sing. But no matter how hard I crossed, it seemed my postpartum body resisted.

Thank you for the photo Nie Nie and guitarist Joe who continued on despite my obvious discomfort.

In desperation I handed the microphone back over to Mindy and I picked up some conveniently place jingle bells and just tried to shake those babies. That's when I started praying. In my head, praying and shaking jingle bells and laughing.

Oh baby, it was intense.

We finished the song to much applause and clapping. I'd like to thank my family for that. They all knew what I had to battle just to get to the last bar. Weak bladders are the plague of our genetics. I am quite certain even that ancestorial ghost wondering the building cheered me on in understanding.

Mindy put on a great show, and luckily I didn't ruin it after all. Plus, Steph brought cupcakes (goodies) for everyone and who doesn't like cupcakes? Me, mostly actually, but there were cakebites and WHO DOESN'T LIKE CAKEBITES?

When we got home I threw my body on the bed. I couldn't take one more ounce of excitement. That's when Chup scooped me up, held me in his huge arms and whispered in my ear,

"You were so cute tonight."

Shoot, if that man isn't careful I am going to be Postpartum Leaky Bladder Girl from now until menopause.



Thanks Mindy and Steph for the party.


Links:
Mindy's fun Christmas album is here.
Libbie Linton's beautiful album is here.
Mindy is performing at Velour tonight downtown Provo. Tickets still available. Go here.

*More dates for Mindy's Christmas show*

• 12/15: Pocatello, ID // Mindy Gledhill Christmas Concert w/ the Teton Chamber Orchestra // ISU Stephens Center // Tickets or call the box office at (208) 282-3595
• 12/16: Boise, ID // Christmas Concert to Benefit the International Rett Syndrome Foundation // The Rose Room // 718 W. Idaho St. // 7:00 PM // Tickets
• 12/17: Kennewick, WA// Kamiakin High School Auditorium // 7:00 PM // Tickets

There's No Place Like Gnome For The Holidays

 
I just found this pic Blue Lily took last Christmas.

Ever.

That's all.

Chup's Wish List 2011

 x

Super sorry it's late. 

Frankly, it's been a little difficult this year to come up with some good ideas.

Monastic minimalism and self-denial fantasies aside; much if what I really love, I've already reviewed.  See posts on my favorite watch, flashlight (but see below!) and knife.

All STILL great gift ideas. BTW.



But, twist my arm, I've always got my eye on a little sumfink.

So, here it is.  I tried to strike a mix.  Some "good grief, that'd be awesome," and some "hey, we can do that."   Some fun, some practical, and a healthy dose of dorky. 

It is a wishlist, after all!



 




Leatherman Skeletool or Skeletool CX (carbon fiber!) ($60-$80)
Used to have a job where I carried a Leatherman in a leather pouch on my belt. Everyday. 10 years later I still sometimes reach for it. Leatherman has evolved some, and boy are they s'awesome. (Amazon, Walmart, Target, Sportsman's Warehouse)




Eflite Blade MCX2 ($120) forget those $40 toys you get at Target or Radio Shack. This is a 4 channel 2.4ghz radio control helicopter. Hobby Grade. Durable, cheap to fix, and simple to fly. Quit with your sarcastic smirk; it has blinky lights for flying in the dark. (eflite.com, amainhobbies.com)




Astak Mole Wireless IP camera ($150-$199)
Cool wireless camera that's easy to set up and can be viewed on any browser. Automatically send clips to Youtube. Apps for popular smartphones. I'll be lucky if Santa brings me one. I'd love to have 6. What? It's perfect for a baby monitor. Or home security. Or keeping do-gooders from your evil lair.(Costco, Amazon)




Streamlight Microstream ($20)
This is the little flashlight that I've reviewed before. One AAA battery, super bright and portable. Streamlight has improved it in a couple of cool ways. Check out the clip that clips both ways. Yes. Both ways. Just go check it out. (Amazon, Sportsmans Warehouse, Sporting Goods Stores)




Legos. ($10-$600)
Can you put a price on imagination? I'd love to own some of the bigger Star Wars series: Millenium Falcon, X-wing, but they're collector's sets, and they're priced accordingly. I'm happy with one or two smaller sets. I've actually been scoping eBay to find some for me and my little buddy to use.  (ebay, Amazon, Toy stores)




Sony MDR-NC40 Noise Cancelling Headphones ($40-$60)
Recieved a pair of these as a gift, and was surprised by their performance. Of course we'd all LOVE a set of $300 Bose QC-15's that i reviewed here and then quit traveling and sold on eBay, waaaah! These are about $260 cheaper than the Bose. If you or your man travel, these Sony's are a great place to start. (tigerdirect.com, newegg.com, bestbuy, sony.com)



 
A laser pointer - ($5- $500) Give it up. Lasers are cool. As useless and nerdy as YOU think they are. WE think they're impossibly cool. Amazon has 5mw (not crazy powerful, but very visible and won't burn your eyes out.) laser pointers in Red, Green, Blue (violet,) or all three. And CHEEEEP! If you really want to explore the possiblities, check out wickedlasers.com. Shiver. image: ratfinktshirts.com

 


 
18th Scale Model Cars ($10-$500)
If he's got a dream car (or 10) chances are there's a 1/18 scale replica of it out there. Because 1/18 scale is much bigger (10"-12" long) than a Matchbox or Hotwheels, they have much more detail. So when your favorite son, father, husband, brother makes that bruuuuum, plllblblbllb, vrooooom sound it's slightly more justified. Maisto and Bburago are a two companies that make great collectible cars that won't break the bank. Hotwheels has great cars as well.  And the Ferrari license.  Moneybags?  See Kyosho's collection of cars. A-mazing.
(Check Amazon, Target, Costco has a nice, nice priced selection of Maisto cars for the holidays, and your local Hobby Shop.)




Lifesaver Book.  ($2)  'Nuff said.





 
Books by Mark Helprin, my favorite author. If you're a very good friend of mine i've suggested Helprin. It's difficult to explain what he's given me. Unforgettable, moving historical fiction with an impossible union of whimsy and gravitas. Start with Memoir from Antproof Case. Then A Soldier of the Great War or Winter's Tale. If you live in, are going to, or have ever been to New York City; Winter's Tale.






 
Anything from Dealextreme.com.
Too late for shipping for Christmas, but this is THE best kept secret of cheap geekdom. Free shipping direct from China on some of the best, worst gadget deals you can imagine. They've started adding items to a US warehouse, but out Thinkgeek.com as an alternative.








Hope this gives you some ideas.  And hey, never underestimate the power of a bag of Skittles and a back-scratch.

Also, here's last year's version. 2010 Wishlist.  Sheesh, there's a car on that one.

.



Happy Holidays!

-chup out



Also, here's this. Because who doesn't wish for a 9 minute video of some awesome Japanese walking.  Seriously.

Post of Partum

 

Me with my nephew Miles, who brought me dinner last night. Indian curry with feta salad.

Jeeze Louise MY CHEST!

Is it my middle child syndrome? Is that what makes me feel so overwhelmed and undeserving of being spoiled? In the past month I've been rained on. Love, food, cookies, gifts, kindness, thoughtful words, visits and a whole lot of sleeping in.

I don't know how to thank you. All of you. For the emails (I forward them on to Chup) and the comments on my facebook page. For the tweets (some of them very funny) and the stops at Target. Please note: I have already over spent at Target for the season. Meet me at the Beehive Bazaar instead?

My good in laws, Honey and Ringo (as I call them on this blog) came and stayed with us for a few days. They sprinkled all sorts of sugar on my children, new shoes, new snow boots, new pjs and a Muppet movie too. They sent Chup and me on a few dates of our own, "Hello Chup! Remember me?" and furnished our Erin with a newborn wardrobe in pink and gray with homemade quilts to match.

My sister Page brought down her massage table and gave me a two hour massage. She showed up one morning to clean my house and play with my children while I lounged in bed for hours.

(I should stop naming names, because I could be here all day.)

Instead I'll just post a bunch of pictures. And say again, thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you for your kind response, your respect and your well-wishing. Thank you for taking the time to celebrate with my family. We feel so loved. We're so grateful for your genuine goodness shown by your heartfelt messages. It's been a great journey and we've learned so much.

And now, photos.

P.S. Erin is a dream. I am totally in love.


I haven't left my house in a week. It's been tortuously cold outside. So this is my daily view.


p.p.s. Despite the cold, Ever continues to enjoy a clothes-free lifestyle. For the most part.
And Erin is usually swaddled to the brim. I am not sure why none of my pictures reflect this fact.


I know Ever and Erin are very similar in sound. I know people will spend a lifetime trying to remember which girl is Ever and which girl is Erin. And because they are so close in age, it will surely advance this problem. But I have a feeling the ladies will use it to their advantage. Look at Erin snickering already.


In the meantime, there is pudding to be shared with The Chief, who as it turns out, is a wonderful babysitter for the moments when the baby is awake and I have to go to the bathroom. He even sings a pretty sweet lullaby. Ever however, is known to pull the baby out of her seat and smother with toys. KEEP AN EYE ON THAT ONE.


As for me and my hair. We're good.


Thanks for asking.


Wait, did you ask?

pppppppp.sssssss. Local readers! Do you want to win some tickets to the Lower Lights Christmas concert next week in downtown SLC? I am giving away five pairs on my facebook page today!

Erin Caroline's Birth Story

 

photo Jed Wells

There are so many ways to tell this story.

There is even a very tempting notion to not tell the story at all.

It's a simple story, but highly unorthodox, one that could be misunderstood and misrepresented before thousands of readers.

But throughout the entire pregnancy I knew I would write it and post it, only because there might be someone like me out there who shares the same ideas and thoughts about labor and delivery and who would like to hear from someone like me. For that one reader (or more than one reader) I hope this is helpful.

Here it goes:

On Wednesday morning I woke up and headed to the bathroom. It was there that I could see labor was eminent by the appearance of what is called "the bloody show." Unfortunately, that is the least terrible name for this occurrence. I'm almost thinking I should come up with a new name entirely for this process. But currently I am engaged in other ways...

From my two previous pregnancies I knew this meant I'd labor for two days. I'd mostly like lose my bag of waters on the second day and by the end of a total forty eight hours I'd have a baby in my arms. And like those two previous pregnancies, I woke up Chup and told him excitedly we were going into labor. And like those two previous pregnancies, Chup gave me a kind grunt of a response and rolled over back to sleep.

There was a lot to do on my list for that day. My brother Steve and his family were coming into town for Thanksgiving the next day and staying at our house. Because this pregnancy was in its third week over the calculated due date, we were certain before making these plans the baby would already be here. That morning I had texted Suze, my sister-in-law that I would mostly likely have the baby in a couple days and that they should come and stay at my house for the time being.  If "something happened," we could make other plans. I love it when they come and I knew they'd be a huge help to me as I labored through the next few days.

We also had invited my family over for Thanksgiving dinner. There was much to do to get ready for that, clean the house, buy last minute food and drink, decorate the front room, turn the Green Room into a movie theater and get our Christmas trees up. Chup and I had done a lot of preparation and my family was coming to do the bulk of the work that evening. I was really glad to have so much to do to keep my mind off the contractions that were going to start.

Around noon they started.

Lower back pains stretching down into my thighs. I knew what this meant as well, a posterior baby. Everything about this experience was exactly like my other two babies, which was good because I knew what to expect. I contracted irregularly with The Chief and Ever for the two days mostly because they were posterior and I didn't know how to get into full labor with them. With The Chief I had the help of pitocin and a really great nurse at the hospital. Eventually The Chief turned on his own. With Ever I used three rounds of homeopathics until my midwife stayed with me long enough to help me relax and Ever turned on her own too. Both times my caregivers told me I was lucky my babies had turned,

"It's hard to get a posterior baby out," they said.

By mid-afternoon Steve's family had come, we visited for awhile and I assured them again that the baby would be here sometime Friday. True to form, they were completely helpful to me and Chup, chasing the kids around and entertaining us all. Suze sent Chup and me out the door so we could run some errands. Ever insisted she come with us and I liked having the time with her alone before she wasn't my baby anymore.

We picked up French tarts at Eliane's French Bakery for dessert the next day. Pumpkin, chocolate, lemon, pear and fruit. They looked so good to me and I imagined me sitting on the couch in the Green Room after dinner, hugely pregnant having a tart and watching a movie on Chup's projected big screen. The excitement of the next few days was giving me a constant surge. The energy I had was incredible. I love hosting parties and I love having babies. Double joy.

By the time we hit Baum's Christmas tree lot on Grandview Hill it was dark and cold. We jumped out of the car and saw a huge Austrian Pine staring at us. It looked like a giant yeti, like the very Abominable Snowman from the classic Rudolph movie. I had to have it.

"That one is sold," they told me. "But we have another one in the back."

I followed them to the back of the lot where another yeti stood, like it wanted to hug me, all white and freshly flocked. Just as I looked at it a hard contraction hit. It rocked me forward a bit and I looked over at Chup with a squirmy Ever in his arms who had already washed his hands of the whole Christmas tree choosing. He just wanted to be home with food in his belly. Suddenly, I wanted to hug that yeti right back.

"We'll take it!" I exclaimed as soon as I got my breath back.

It took us a while to get the entire specimen bagged and on top of our car. Luckily for us, Baum's does all that work while we enjoy the luxury of sitting in a warm car as they bag and hoist. We had one more stop before home, a party store where I had to pick up some goods for the next day. As I walked in the store another hard contraction hit. I felt like throwing myself on the floor but instead I looked over at a pile of cheap Christmas toys as if they were the most fascinating things in the world. I breathed in and out until a minute was up. Then I looked around the store to see if anyone observed my odd behavior.

Because Chup was in the car, I had run in with a promise to be fast. I only had my checkbook with  me and when I went to check out with my two bags full of party prizes they asked for two forms of ID.

"Two forms of ID?" I asked incredulously. "TWO FORMS?" One government issued ID was not enough for this silly party store? I could get on a plane, order a social security card, or apply for a Pell Grant using only one form of ID, but in order to buy some gold sparkly pompoms and a few kiddie toys I had to have TWO FORMS OF ID. The manager had to be called in. I spoke to him, he was really curt, "You got a Costco ID card? That's one." I knew if I didn't get out of there I'd have a whopping contraction in the middle of trying to make my case. So I left in the middle of the discussion (argument?) and I swore in my wrath I'd tweet the truth out of that whole exchange. I also swore I'd never return.

On the way home Chup and I had a back and forth about it all. I argued that the store policy was stupid and that's why I wouldn't go back (even though yes, I never write checks) and Chup countered with his belief that I shouldn't go back because the manager was rude. But we both agreed on our weapon of choice, Twitter.

But all of this internal heat was serving up more contractions in my body. By the time I got home I had forgotten to take to Twitter. Instead I was eating a huge slice of pizza thanks to the Slab boys who delivered to our door a mutli-dressed pizza just because they knew we could use some vittles. And there was no check written because they insisted on this being a free dinner on them.

After that my family came pouring in. Andrew and his girls showed up to set up tables, decorate my Christmas trees and cross off a bunch of "To Dos" on my list. Lucy came armed with tableware, ready to set all the places and make things look elegant. Steve and Suze continued to entertain my children and talk to me about the goings on of our family. Meanwhile, my nieces Chicky, Maggie and Morgan asked if they could rub my feet, paint my toenails, shape my fingernails and braid my hair. (YES.)

By the time we were done, and everything looked gorgeous and my house was clean and my children were in bed I felt my body change. Suddenly the contractions had me breathing hard and stopping through each one. Chup found the very target spot on my back where the sensation was hitting and he'd rub it as I concentrated. When he would rub, I would go numb and I couldn't feel the strength of the contraction. It amazed me.

Before they left, my siblings insisted that if I were to have the baby in the night they would not come to Thanksgiving dinner at my house. After all this hard work of setting up and getting everything perfect, they swore they'd take it all down and move locations. They didn't want to impose in the most imposing way, being in the nest of a newborn. But I adamantly disagreed,

"First of all, I'm not having this baby until Friday, and second of all, you'll all come over to see the baby anyway so you might as well feed me dinner."

I wanted a baby and a party, and I wasn't going to let them tell me I couldn't have both.




Around midnight everyone left and we said good night to Steve, Suze and Maggie who went to the guest bedroom downstairs. Upstairs the children were sleeping really lightly. Chup had to rock both of them back to sleep a couple times. I went to bed, still brimming with hope and happiness. Party then baby!  Party then baby!

I guessed I would fall asleep and the contractions would disappear, just like they had with the others. This would be great, I felt because I could get a good night's sleep in before the next day. But when I started to relax, with my body flipped to the side, the contractions started coming fast and deep, minutes-long.

Chup resumed rubbing my back and I lamented that if they were so hard to manage at this stage in the process I couldn't imagine how hard the contractions would be by the end of two days.

Then suddenly it hit me. We were having this baby tonight. And with that discovery, with my mind in place I quickly transitioned and was experiencing the shakes of adrenalin as it spilled through my veins.

"Are you cold?" Chup asked.

"No, I'm transitioning. We're having this baby right now."

"I'll go get ready," Chup replied and set out the door.

"Tell Steve and Suze, will you?" I asked, just in case they wanted to leave. "Also, I need you back here in three minutes." At this point I couldn't get through a contraction without him. They weren't painful, but really intensely felt in my back and thighs.

When he returned with plastic sheets and a doctor's worth of tools I had another contraction while sitting up straight. This time it felt off--it was short and irregular--I knew I needed to get back on my side. While on my side my contractions would come long and healthy. I assumed this baby was going to come out posterior and if I was on my side my body would know how to help the baby move.

Chup asked if I wanted to get in the tub, but I wanted him close to me so I opted to stay on the bed. His presence was so important to me. Ever since my first pregnancy with The Chief I had studied up on the intimacy of birth. I felt like I wanted my husband to be my sole caregiver. I wanted him to help me through the contractions, I wanted him to deliver the baby, I wanted him--who loves and trusts my body--to help me through the birthing process. So for years we've studied, we've learned, listened and read, so that someday we could do this on our own, and here we were.

The minute we put the plastic sheets on the bed my water broke. Chup assured me we were getting close, he was timing everything with his phone (of course, we couldn't have a baby without the Sisterwife's assistance). I kept telling myself I could start pushing as soon as we could feel the baby's head. In the meantime, with every contraction I'd kiss Chup and tell him how much I loved him.

I don't know how to describe the intensity of that love. I knew I was in his hands, that he was ready to help me. He was capable and strong, educated and full of love and admiration for me too. Although he wasn't always comfortable with this choice, I knew in that moment he was completely prepared and absolutely ready. All of our praying and blessings and working on overcoming fear was paying off. We were so excited to have this baby, so thrilled to bring this baby in the world together, alone without interference.

Well, alone in some respects. I could feel the presence of angels and I knew we were together with them. I prayed to Heavenly Father to send some of the angels to the children's room so they wouldn't wake up.

When it was time to push I was tired. It had only been over an hour since we had started transitioning, but it had been intense. Up until that point Chup had been with me, with every contraction and seeing to my every need. But this was the place where he couldn't really do much for me. This was that lonely spot in the process where I had to find all the strength and faith inside of me to push. Another contraction pounded my body and I felt my spirit start to leave my body--a dizzy feeling of losing consciousness. I felt it with Ever too. Part of me had resolved that death is part of birthing life. I had to die a little to get enough courage to cross the line of mortality and bring my baby with me.

"I can't do it." I said to Chup and I moved on to my knees, I couldn't control myself now, the situation was beyond my ability to breathe or concentrate. "Let's go to the hospital and I can get an epidural. Please."

When I look back at this point I know how vital Chup's response was to me. I was in a desperate, comfortless, truly vulnerable place. He could've said, "Well, um, ok, if that's what you want?" But instead he looked at me directly and assured me I could do it.

"You're almost there, you are doing it. You're going to have this baby!"

And that's when I said to myself, if this baby is a girl I am naming her Erin after her father Christopher Erin because never have I loved someone so much in my life.

Then with the next gripping contraction I pushed. I pushed with every spark of life I had in me.

And with surprise, Chup said to me,

"I have the head! I have the head! Great job, babe!"

And I fell down to my stomach and pushed again and he caught the baby.

"I have her! I've got her! I've got your daughter!"

Erin.



She screamed and squirmed and he handed her to me. It was the greatest sense of relief I've ever known. Here she was, perfectly on time, with head of black hair and rosy skin. I knew she wasn't a very big baby and in the morning when we were decent Chup weighed her. Just about 7 pounds and 8 oz. Birthed pretty quickly and easily even though she was posterior. That's my clever Erin.

Chup wrapped us both up in towels and for an hour or so we sat there amazed. Somehow I had birthed this baby without screaming like I had with Ever. It was a pretty fast, silent birth, one that we had talked and laughed our way through, until the end when I couldn't do anything but push.

Later we cut the cord, delivered the placenta, looked and checked Erin while she nursed. I got up and showered while Chup changed the sheets and swaddled the clean baby. After awhile we all climbed back into bed and tried to sleep. But who could rest? We couldn't stop giggling like kids.

 

At some point Chup decided to lie down in the bedroom with the children so I could sleep in, but I stayed awake until the sun came over the Y mountain outside my window. Chup brought in the children and we all hugged and kissed Erin who stayed completely drowsy. Then, to the shock of Steve and Suze, The Chief went downstairs to tell them the news.

"Squishy came out of my mom's tummy," it was reported he announced.

They came right up and we laughed through our shock. Now that I think about it, I believe having them in our home helped me relax knowing that if we needed them they were here, or if we needed to go to the hospital they could be with the children. It certainly wasn't in their holiday plans to sleep through our labor and delivery upstairs, but that's what happened.

As for me, I couldn't stop thinking about my Chup. He was a newly minted hero in my eyes. Things would never be the same again between us.



Lucy showed up a little later and together with Steve and Suze they took The Chief and Ever to our family's Turkey Bowl. Before they left I made them promise to me they'd still come for Thanksgiving dinner. Chup made me bacon, eggs and cinnamon waffles and I went back to sleep and didn't get up until it was time for dinner. Food had never tasted so good. We ate and celebrated all things to be grateful for, especially Erin. After dinner the children swatted at the turkey pinata and we watched a movie in our comfortable Green Room theater. After the French tarts were dispersed (they tasted as wonderful as I had imagined) I went back to bed.



The next morning I woke up to a spotless house, everything back into place and clean. I texted my mom in St. Louis and asked her to give her fortieth grandchild a middle name. She texted back with Caroline, a tribute to my great something grandmother Caroline Cooper Layton--the sixth wife of polygamist Christopher Layton-- and Chup's grandmother Caroline Murphey.



I held little Erin Caroline and felt entirely sanctified.

And the yeti in the front room was smiling at me.



God is great! Glory be to God!